Lost and Found (IX)

Story of my life: Sometimes, I battle with inconsistency; not because I detest pattern and certainty and regular-ness but because I can’t help it; because life happens; because although I love you and care about your desires, I get achingly busy sometimes. So here is a late should-have-been-Monday post with no excuses. I am sorry and thank you for loving me anyway! ❤

“When there is an old intimacy, with new friends.”

-Nayyirah Waheed

You have a date with Samuel in about two hours but you don’t feel up to it. The whole day has dumped its burden on you and Samuel deserves better than having the day being dumped on him too, so you chat him to cancel.

Me: Hey Samuel. How are you? Did you have a good day at the office? I had been looking forward to seeing you later today but I don’t feel up to it. I am sorry. I promise to make it up to you, okay? Take care.

His response is immediate, as if he had been awaiting your message all day long.

Sammy: Over 24 hours!

Me: What?

Sammy: I haven’t seen you in more than 24hours Miss Me. Do you not miss me?

You laugh.

Me: Nice what you did up there. Lol! But well, no, I don’t miss you. *Tongue out*

Sammy: Ouch!

Me: *A kiss for your wounded heart*

Sammy: I can live with that!

Me: Haha

Sammy: So, how was your day?

Me: It’s almost 5pm. Should you not be preparing to leave work?

Sammy: It is the 21st Century already. Should you still be answering a question with a question?

You laugh.

Me: Fine! Day was okay.

Sammy: Really? Day was okay?

Me: Yes, sure. Your day?

Sammy: No baby. Not the mechanical response so quickly. We are still on your day. So! If your day was “okay”, how about that date?

Me: I told you Sammy. I don’t feel up to it.

Sammy: Either you tell me how your day really went or you have that date with me. No jokes baby.

You sigh.

Me: You are relentless.

Sammy: I am baby.

Me: Fine, we will talk when you get home.

Sammy: Promise?

Me: Promise.

Sammy: Okay baby. Cheers.

Sam is at your door in thirty minutes. You had not been expecting anybody so it had taken a call on your phone to distract you from the music playing from your CD player to the knock at the door.

“What are you doing here?”

“Good to see you too baby.”

You laugh. “No, really. What are you doing here? You did not say you will be coming to visit.”

“Well, you said we would talk when I get home. I am home now, to talk. To you.”

“You cannot just come here whenever you want Samuel. You let me know first! No springing surprises on me like that!”

“Hey…” he pauses now, worried, as he extends his hands to your shoulder. “Are you sure you are okay?”

You take a deep breath, in and out. “I am sorry for going off like that Samuel. Please come in.”

He hesitates before coming in, and when he does, he sits at the edge of the bed as though you might ask him to leave anytime soon. You sit beside him.

“My day has been overwhelming Samuel. Today, the past few days, my whole life… is, has been overwhelming. I had an interview that went well, and returned home to a call from my mum accusing me of being promiscuous because my landlady had called to tell her she had seen guys visit my house. I almost had sex with a married man, my ex. He did not tell me he was married before we made out. He didn’t even tell me after we made out, or before he walked out of my house that evening because I screamed your name instead of his when his fingers were inside me. But that’s not why I feel angry, or wrong, you know? It is the fact that I found out on Facebook myself when I was stalking him because I was feeling guilty for fantasizing about another man when he was right there with me lighting my body on fire. He was never going to tell me, maybe. And I ran into an old crush, someone I had wanted to be with for a long time who finally asked me out to a date some months later, after which he stopped contacting me. We only kissed that night, thank God, right?!—” you pause to laugh, then you continue “—so, when I asked him why he had been avoiding me, and why he would not pick my calls, he said because I deserved better. And I was like, really? How did you figure that out so quickly? Damn! Lies boys tell!”

He doesn’t say anything in response, and you are thankful for that. “Do you need something to eat?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“I want to say a lot of things but I don’t think here is a good place or now is the right time.”

“I have had a really long day.”

“I know. I should let you rest then.”

“You should.”

Before he reaches the door, you ask “would you like to stay?”

His response is instant “I want to stay.”

You smile in relief, and you run to hug him before your waiting tears begin to pour. It is the first time your bodies meet. He smells like a collision in heaven; a cascade of beautiful things.

“But did you really mention my name in the middle of having sex with the ex?”

You laugh. “I freaking did!”

“Damn baby, you are in love with me.”

More laughter. “Just shut up Samuel.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“I am a mess. Don’t fall in love with me”, you manage to warn him

“I have. Shoot me now or never.”

But falling in love was not the plan.

Because what is love? Is it not what mum thought she had found in dad before they got married? Is it not what they made before they had Temi and then made again before they had you? If it is, then what is the point? Why did daddy not choose her everyday? Why did he not choose her that day he slept with the help?

Because what is love? Is it not the vows people make on their wedding day? For better, for worse? In sickness and in health? Is it not what Gbenga and his wife shared… is it not what they share? Is it not the glow in their eyes on their wedding day picture? Is it not the color of their daughters smile as she stares into the camera on Gbenga’s profile picture? But why did he not choose his wife and daughter? Why did he kiss you back? Why did he set your body on fire like that?

Because what is love? Is it not what Gbenga said he felt for you? Is it not what you saw in his eyes when he kissed you in the kitchen the other day? Because if he loved you, would he not tell you he was married before trying to have sex with you? Would he not give you a chance to choose to be hurt by him?

Maybe love is selfish. It wants what it wants when it wants it. Maybe love does not make sense; maybe it is not supposed to make sense.

And love wants Samuel now. Even though, that was not the initial plan.

But you don’t want to fall in love. You don’t want to be fallen in love with. You want something more permanent. Something decisive. Something explainable. Something that stays.

“Let’s not. Let’s not fall in love Samuel.”

He keeps silent now, and you raise your head to kiss him. His lips are moist; waiting for you.

*

© The Short Black Girl, 2018.

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14 thoughts on “Lost and Found (IX)

  1. “Maybe love is selfish. It wants what it wants when it wants it. Maybe love does not make sense; maybe it is not supposed to make sense.”

    Maybe it doesn’t. And you wonder why people accept the “relationships” they think they deserve, not love. Because love in the sense of the word is complicated and you wonder if you should accept what you deserve too.
    We are controlled by desires, some we understand while others appear out of nowhere. But still we feel them, so yeah, nothing makes sense if you look at it from every point of view.

    A man married a woman and for years they lived happily with children that gave children. Who would have known that 30 years alomg the line the man who married a woman will fall in love with another man. So yeah, love doesn’t make sense.

    “But you don’t want to fall in love. You don’t want to be fallen in love with. You want something more permanent. Something decisive. Something explainable. Something that stays.”

    You are a fantastic writer that gets me distracted.
    It shall be permanent X2
    What the Lord has done for me
    It shall be permanent.

    But you you know nothing stays “PESCADO”, eventually they all go, but they get to be explainable when there is closure.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That song you chooked somewhere inside your comment cracked me up. Feels like Sunday Morning now. Lol!
      Thank you for your kind comment.
      And yes, nothing stays; forever is a myth.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Rofiah…you are really amazing. This spoke to me in volumes.
    The beginning statement describes me in every bit, so permit me to permit myself to adopt that statement and perhaps, steal it.

    Love is selfish and truly I don’t want to fall in love…I just want something permanent, something explainable, something decisive, and yes…like I agreed, something that stays.
    Thanks gurl.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Only the amazing ones spot the “amazing-ness” in others Dee. Thank you for thinking me so.

      And haha! Feel free to borrow the opening statement except you are ready to negotiate the royalty terms with me. 😂😁

      Thank you for your constant cheer on and thank you for enjoying my attempts at being awesome. You humor me! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Me, will you permit me to tilt our perspective on love a bit? I hope you will see things from a different angle at the end. Permit me also, to dissect a chunky portion of this post too? Thanks! (Just look at my life. She hasn’t said yes o!)

    This story is just so amazing. And this particular part of this series has so clearly given the current definition of love that most agree to.

    But one day it was revealed to me that what we say to be love today is not truly LOVE, but we have substituted true love with something else, something more instantly convenient for us. And your post has only proven this ‘reveal’ to be so spot on correct.

    “Because what is love? Is it not what mum thought she had found in dad before they got married? Is it not what they made before they had Temi and then……….you? If it is, then what is the point? Why did daddy not choose her everyday? Why did he not choose her that day he slept with the help?

    “Is it not what Gbenga and his wife shared… is it not what they share? Is it not the color of their daughter’s smile as she stares into the camera on Gbenga’s profile picture? But why did he not choose his wife and daughter? Why did he kiss you back? Why did he set your body on fire like that?
    ……….Because if he loved you, would he not tell you he was married before trying to have sex with you? Would he not give you a chance to choose to be hurt by him?”

    Its ain’t love, my dear. Its you. Its me. Its us. Its self. Its not the love that is spoken of in the first letter to the Corinthians, chapter 13. Its the love for self, and by extension, anything/anyone that would serve to gratify self for the moment.

    And deep down, we all know this:

    “Maybe love is selfish. It wants what it wants when it wants it………..”

    “And love wants Samuel now. Even though that was not the initial plan.” Lets try paraphrasing that, eh?

    “And self wants Samuel now.” Now THAT is a lot more understandable.

    “But you don’t want to fall in love.”

    You don’t want to continue to gratify self. You’re tired of always going for what currently tickles your fancy, ditching when it fades, then going for the next new fancy tickler.

    “[And]You don’t want to be fallen in love with.”

    Of course, you certainly do not want to be the victim of such from another as well!

    But.

    If not all this, then what is love? The answer to that is very long – a whole new education – but I will try to compress it all in a few statements.

    Its when you still choose to be friendly to someone, despite your natural aversion to that person.

    Its when you never speak ill of your uncle to anyone, even when he beats and curses you almost every day.

    Its when you still give some cash to that sly professional  beggar that doesn’t remember he has scammed you before with his cooked up stories. And you continue to give everytime you have the cash to spare.

    Its when you, hurting, crying, still continue in prayer for your parents who seem to think and say nothing but the worst of you.

    It is willingness to bare your whole self to another, knowing that you’ve given the person the opportunity to love you back – or to hurt you with what they know.

    Its burning with white-hot desire for that woman in the office, and knowing she burns even hotter for you; the very air heats up whenever your eyes meet.
    And turning away. For she is not yours, and even if she was going to be, she is not YET yours. You don’t even know yet who you will spend the rest of your life with, and how can you be so sure she’s not banging away, getting laid somewhere right now?
    But it don’t matter. Your consideration for her is not dependent on her’s for you.

    Its giving what you always wanted – and finally got – to someone who needs it.

    Love is a decision.

    Love is sacrifice.

    “Maybe love does not make sense; maybe it is not supposed to make sense.”

    Actually it DOESN’T, and its not supposed to! But there it is!

    And guess the amazing thing?

    When you continue to practice it, acting against your normal self consistently, you actually begin to feel it!

    And all this, my dear, this deep, subconscious knowing, is the reason why:

    You want something more permanent.
    Something decisive.
    Something explainable.
    Something that stays.

    Because this is all that love is.
    Love is permanent.
    Love is decisive.
    Love is actually explainable!
    And love stays.

    “Love………beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”
      – Paul’s first letter to the Corinthian church.

    When Big Holy Daddy revealed this to me, I was stunned. No wonder He’s soooo patient! No wonder He’s so kind!  No wonder His ways continue to frustrate logical thinking!

    I have not even come near to living like Him. But I’m heading there – you bet!

    Yes I know – IMPOSSIBLE.

    “With man it is impossible, but with God, NOTHING is impossible.”
                            – Big Holy Daddy

    I wonder if you now see things differently?

    Me, your writing shows your amazing  ability to observe and inform us of it in a different way. And it only heightens my respect for you.

    Jeez, what an epistle! This is the longest comment I’ve ever written – and will probably ever write!

    I love you, me – agape, AGAPEEEY!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gracious me! How kind of you to take your time to explain this near-complicated-but-divinely-necessary emotion called love! And yes, I agree with you totally.

      Often times,. what we call love is not love. And love, really, is what it is– divine; it is the too-muchness in human beings that makes it seem elusive, unattainable, and over-reaching sometimes.

      Thank you so much for this wonderful comment; for taking out time to go through this series. God bless you!

      And I love you too buddy! You are very kind. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, am I so grateful that you understand where I’m coming from, even despite my involving my faith!

        And thank you so much for not understanding that I didn’t come to make your evaluation invalid. God bless you too! I wrote this for over an hour – can you imagine?! I felt like I composed a whole post and decided to be crazy and post it as a comment to another post!

        May we all grow to be selfless lovers.

        Liked by 1 person

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