Musings: When will boys grow up?

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I think that when people are genuinely interested in you, they will go the extra mile; and their efforts will have nothing to do with how worthy or unworthy you are of their attention. Because they are INTERESTED IN YOU. No excuses, nothing. You will know, because they will be active about it. If for any reason you have to question their interest, then maybe there really is no interest to be questioned in the first place.

I was chatting with M earlier in the day and we talked about boys– their back and forth, here and there, dillying and dallying. And then I saw this quote that got me thinking “amen somebody!

If you like a girl, tell her. If you want to be with her, tell her. If you don’t like her, don’t be in her face. If you don’t want her, why drop hints? I am a fan of setting things straight from the go-go and maybe that is my flaw. I like to know where I stand and I like my friends to know where they stand too. If I like you but can’t date you, I let you know upfront; and if we decide to stick it through the friend’s zone, we both know it is what we signed up for. If I like you and can date you, I give you my time and attention, not because I don’t have a life, but because I have chosen to make you a part of the life I have. I do not understand people that are undecided about how they feel. This moment, their interest is obvious; the next, they are off into thin air… claiming to be either busy or just very-very-busy. Really?

Now, I don’t expect that everyone would care to do things right, but I think we should respect people enough to let them know where they stand, really. Tell them, point blank, what you want from them. Let them let you know if it is what they can offer: Is it sex? Is it a relationship? Is it a get-to-know-you-better-and-see-what-gives thing? Is it ‘just-friends’? Spill! And act it! Everyone is busy, but we all manage to make time for the things that count. So, you decide what counts!

I think that when people matter to us, they matter to us. And that is that. If we have to doubt it, then maybe they don’t matter and maybe it is time to leave them the hell alone.

______
© The Short Black Girl, 2017.
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9 thoughts on “Musings: When will boys grow up?

  1. Nice!

    Life isn’t white and black – we would love it to be, but it rarely is. Human emotions and relationships are complex. There are several combinations possible.

    For some, affection is slow in building up, do we expect anything concrete from something that is amorphous? Still, for some, they like someone else in equal or even greater measure and they are in a state of utter flux and confusion, where truth, identity and desires are a blur. There are people who would never have believed they could be in love with someone and have the same feelings evoked (with similar or greater intensity) by another and then they begin to grapple with knowing themselves- coming to terms with the new discovery about themselves and dealing with the crises of emotions.

    There are several different scenarios. And while we would like human interactions to be neat – and we often create ideals in our heads and make them into mantras and teach them, using them as standards – it is often messy.
    What we can do is to be always true to ourselves and be sincere; take each day as it comes and deal with each emotions as it arises; learning to be patient with ourselves and others, to forgive ourselves and others too. Many hurts are unintentional – the greatest hurt would not be from our enemies, but from those who actually love us. Such is the irony of life.

    The more I think about this and type, the more knotty it becomes and doesn’t seem to make sense, and yet it does. I’m not sure if it will make sense to another though…..and so I’ll stop.

    Nice writing as usual, keep it up!

    P.S. I wrote a reply to this earlier – much neater and clearer than this – but it disappeared! So this is a paraphrased, and less perfect rendition.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Doctor Topaz, you bring clarity to the shores of my mind; everytime. Thank you. Naturally, I get inquisitive about a lot of things, one of which is the human mind and the complexities involved in our everyday relationships; why are people the way they are; why do they act the way they do? I try not to judge, I try to have a balanced view… but sometimes, my thoughts get skewed; maybe because I do not have adequate information, or maybe because my own womanly feelings still find a way to seethe into the things I write.

      Just as you have said, life is hardly black and white (and I did note this in the post before this one), but the fact that people seem to “put themselves out there” and “not put themselves out there” at the same time, can really tick a sane person off. Maybe this post is overly simplistic and hardly does any justice to the conflict inside my mind and the angle that really got the anger a-bursting, I just think that if humans try to be a little bit more aware of each other (their tendencies, their struggles), life will be a little better.

      The more I think round this issue too, the knottier it gets… but I have found something to hold on to in your summary, which is this: “What we can do is to be always true to ourselves and be sincere; take each day as it comes and deal with each emotions as it arises; learning to be patient with ourselves and others, to forgive ourselves and others too. Many hurts are unintentional – the greatest hurt would not be from our enemies, but from those who actually love us. Such is the irony of life.”

      Thank you so much Doctor, for always willing to teach me and help me grow; and for commending my inquisitiveness. I appreciate you. ❤

      Liked by 4 people

    2. I really appreciate you Topaz for saying this on here…Life is not really black and white and emotions can most times cause one to be in a state of utter flux and confusion.

      I know it may sound easy to say… ‘if I like you and can date you, I give you my time and attention, not because I don’t have a life, but because I have chosen to make you a part of the life I have. I do not understand people that are undecided about how they feel. This moment, their interest is obvious; the next, they are off into thin air… claiming to be either busy or just very-very-busy. Really?’

      …but if you step into some of our shoes, we who are usually undecided about how we feel – because we are not sure ‘if this is the right fit’ or ‘if this is something I can go through with in the long run’ or if this is not something that will not get boring in the aftermath’ and I am not ready to cause any heartbreak or give a green signal, so I resort to taking it a step at a time without actually saying anything… you will find that relationship with people are most times messy than we imagine it in our heads and in as much as we strive to achieve perfection of our melancholic being, we end up hurting people that we truly do care about.

      And maybe some of us are not that strong enough to show that we actually do care because we do not trust the next person to care enough about us, so we put our left toe forward first standing in a tippy toe, hoping that it doesn’t burn before we become confident enough to let the whole left feet seat firmly on the ground and just as we become secure with where the left foot has been, we begin to also bring the right toe forward, also in a tippy toe…hoping that the person we trusted with the left foot will be trustworthy enough to handle the right tippy toe before we finally decide to let that also rest firmly on the ground.

      For most of us, it actually takes some years to decide what we actually feel about someone whom has made it clear that they will like to be in our lives are are well interested in us…not because we choose to wait so long but because the heart keeps fighting a war of trying to determine how sincere the interest is

      …and maybe it will be termed ‘complicated’, maybe it will be termed ‘messy’ or whatever but we have to satisfy our hearts that we are committed to the right thing and are in the process of making something work.

      If at the end of it all, nothing comes to fruition; the memories that will be made from the onset till then…will usually last a lifetime and more often than not, be beautiful and less heartbreaking because it was not something done in a rush but with great and planned effort to let love in.

      You say ‘the fact that people seem to “put themselves out there” and “not put themselves out there” at the same time, can really tick a sane person of’, but maybe we are not even ready or in the mood to put ourselves out there for any one to see, maybe we just want to create a fantasy world of our own and forget that the real us actually exist, maybe we just want people to see what we want them to see, maybe we are not just ready to let anyone in or let them see who we really are – like I say to my friends, being vulnerable is the weakest thing I can do; I doubt I am strong enough to let myself be vulnerable to anyone at all.

      I hope that my thinking is not knotty and that I am able to help you understand why some of us may not be as neat as you wish and why we are most often than not…undecided.

      PS: The excuse of being busy or really really busy is usually just an excuse given because
      1) The emotions are too overwhelming you are trying to fight it off because you are afraid to commit to something you are not sure of; or
      2) You have never been caught off-guard in your life by someone, you just need space to think but you are scared to say it because you are afraid the person may decide they are no longer interested; or
      3) The person keeps asking for what you cannot really give at the moment but you are hoping the person will see it after a moment of your withdrawal and maybe loose interest without you having to hurt their feelings [that never even works because they hardly ever loose the interest…sigh].

      Lol, the more I type, the more I have to say…maybe I should post something on this. I am always the complicated one, so even my writings are always complicated. Maybe you could teach me one or two on how to be less complicated and a bit more composed.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. First off, thank you Dee. Thank you for baring our heart, and thoughts. Thank you for taking your time to make this insightful contribution… and really, yes, this post is about understanding the other side of the coin and have those people on the other side of the coin see the emotional distress we on this end of the coin feel when they act the way they do. I probably, although unintentionally, missed out the point that maybe our wants and needs can cause the people on the other end some distress too. Forgive me!

        But then again, I think this is the main point. I think that it takes a great deal of will and benevolence and maybe maturity too, to see beyond our own problems as humans to the other persons possible challenges. We are often just concerned with where the shoe hurts us, and how everyone should understand that we cannot walk too fast because the shoe hurts while we forget to understand that maybe the person right behind us in this queue of life has very pressing needs that must be met and maybe we need to get out of the way so the person can move on ahead, or discuss our plight with this person. We cannot obtain understanding in silence, well, not always. We need to try to make people understand us, as much as they try to be understood, I think.

        I find it hard to let myself go all the way with a guy that doesn’t seem to show interest in me too. So i sort of tip-toe, a call here, a text message there (you know), and maybe sometimes when I get giddy with life, I let them know I like them! Hey, I am not saying “let us date!” I am only saying I like you, and that is that. Rejection hurts, but oh well, the sooner, the better. So if I like you but you don’t like me, or you don’t want anything now, fine. I think you should be honest about it. If you like me, but just cannot deal now, I think you should put it out there. If you like me, but you need space, I think you should talk about it. Don’t leave me guessing. I think that is the point. We don’t want to be left guessing because you call us everytime (some guys do this, not all), you say you like us, we talk about intimate stuff (future plans and what-not), and then you just go poof! for like a week. We call, you don’t respond immediately and maybe call back a week after…. I think that is unfair. Because if i like you, i care about you, and your unavailability can get me worried sick.

        In all, human beings are a complex lot, I know. I am not perfect at these things. I sometimes don’t even know how to air my feelings, but I try to not leave any signals hanging. I think it is fair that you know I cannot be with you, so I do not unintentionally lead you on and thus hurt you; and it is also fair that you know I like you, just because. These points may sound unrealistic in someone else’s POV, but it is what it is, it is who I am. And for that reason, I think that we should try to be honest with ourselves, first off and then project that honesty to other people. Vulnerability sucks, i know! But if we cannot be vulnerable, then let us let them know. Waiting is never easy and it is full of a lot of pricks and pains, but if we do not know what we are waiting for, the pain is much worse and almost unending. My thoughts.

        Again, thank you so much. I appreciate you. ❤

        Liked by 2 people

      2. And about withdrawals, that is almost easy… for someone like me. If i reach out, and you are not there, I back out. But I will have you know that some guys go absentia, and come back just as soon as you have moved on with your life. And they don’t do this just once, they do it over and over… I think that is wrong and unfair. And that is one of the things that got me ranting. It is okay to want to contemplate about life and whether you are making the right choice or not, I just think you should consider the other person’s emotions while doing this and take a second to put yourself in their shoes.

        Between, you should totally do a post on it. It would be lovely to read about this from the other POV. And I don’t think you are too complicated for reason, I understand you, almost perfectly.

        Thank you again for this. ❤

        Liked by 2 people

    3. Thank you M.

      I totally get what you are driving at and maybe this was why I asked that you teach me a thing or two. I understand that it is not fair to leave the other party hanging and guessing and like you said, we are not all that perfect.

      Just as you have said and just like I will try to always remember… “We are often just concerned with where the shoe hurts us, and how everyone should understand that we cannot walk too fast because the shoe hurts while we forget to understand that maybe the person right behind us in this queue of life has very pressing needs that must be met and maybe we need to get out of the way so the person can move on ahead, or discuss our plight with this person.” Our tunnel cannot always be the same.

      Thank you dear for this insight. I wonder what I will title my blog post.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Deshi! Thank you for your contribution.
      I agree with you that the boys are not solely to blame. Indeed, some girls like the half-way relationship, “not here” but “not really there” either, because it works best for them. And that is why (although this might be easier said than done) I think that we should all strive to discuss these things with the people involved, the love-interests, the potentials, let us know what they want, or even better, let them know what we want. I think that someone has to say/do something (the boy/girl) because not everyone can handle the suspense and the earlier the truth is let out, the earlier we are able to do something about it. Just my thought.
      Thank you again! ❤

      Like

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