Musings: Be careful what you wish for.

This morning, as I sit reading through old posts and musings on my blog, I stumble upon an old note– one of my all-time favourites, ego, which i had written for a boy I was very much taken by. I had met him through a friends friend, and it had been easy to love him. He was laid back, humorous, out-of-the-box, giving so much and yet giving nothing; so there he was ‘getting to know me’ daily, early morning messages, nice compliments and the works but he wasn’t saying anything! I was frustrated, I was mad at him. I would write stories about him, wish for him like a child wished for teeth, but nothing!

Soon, I started to give him attitude, and wish him away. My mantra was, and still is, “it is okay to want to take your time with deciding whether or not you want to be with me; but do me a favour! Make your contemplations from a distance. I do not want you standing in my face, all dotsy and datsy. Pick a lane and stay there.” It didn’t take too long from there on to blank him out. But i kept on writing those stories. And if I ever underestimated the power of writing, it soon blew up in my face, in a billion tinny pieces…

A couple years down the line, we became an item and I was elated, swollen to burst level! I was like FINALLY! I thought it was it, you know? A worry here, a flaw there, but isn’t that what humans are made of? Soon, days wound into months and we made a terrible split: battered hearts, wailing eyes, bitter words and “maybe we shouldn’t haves”. And it is sad and crazy thinking about it now! How the hell could I have wished for something so bad only to wish it away down the line?

It is on days like this, in moments such as this that I find wisdom in the saying: be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Sometimes, things don’t work the way we want them to, and I am beginning to learn that maybe, just maybe, life is working for us rather than against us. These days, when I see fine boys that I am crushing on who can’t find the humour to crush back, I am learning to hold myself back and thank the Universe rather than try to make that person see how awesome I am. Of course I am sugar, but I am not made for every ones cup of tea.

I am stepping into the other half of this year with so much awareness of my kind and brutal flaws, the heartbreaks that defy journaling which I have carried endlessly through the years, the memories of laughing days shared, the knowledge of bad decisions taken and golden chances unused. But I also step into the latter half of the year with an avalanche of forgiveness– for myself, for every mistake and every grudge, every hurt and everyday I thought I wasn’t enough; for the boys that stirred my feelings, knowingly or unknowingly, without hopes of nurturing them. And for everyday that I forgot my worth, and every other day that that knowledge will evade me in the future.

I am growing and there is a lesson at every turn. Let’s take notes, shall we?!

© The Short Black Girl, 2017.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Musings: Be careful what you wish for.

  1. Wawu. Come teach me how to put down my thoughts like this.

    “…I am learning to hold myself back and thank the Universe rather than try to make that person see how awesome I am. Of course I am sugar, but I am not made for every ones cup of tea.”

    Hmmm

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I like reading your musings; your perspectives are down to earth, brutally honest and sincere.

    I dare say you should wish for more – will those things you want to come true. Sure, there is no guarantee that they would last; what ever lasted in this life anyways?

    Sure, the heartaches suck but it’s only because you are neglecting to look at the good times- how you felt when the dude was yours; the feelings you envoked in each other; the joys; the special moments…

    If you didn’t have those moments, you would forever have been stuck with “what ifs”; but now you know; and can tell why it didn’t work out- you have grown and learnt valuable lessons.

    I say live to the full – be hurt, be happy, have fun, don’t take life seriously (it comes with no warranty and no guaranty) and don’t let its temporariness stop you from wishing and going after those “hot” guys and everything you are crushing on….

    and when you experience the highs and lows, pick the lessons in the experiences and use them to grow and become better….

    Life is too short abeg.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You know doctor, I agree with you. We made awe-worthy memories, and we had a chance with each other (however fleeting), and that is just as beautiful as it gets.

      On some days, I cannot but be joyful that it happened. But when the human venom in me rises to fill, when the compassionate side of me emerges, I just start to wish it never happened so that maybe we wouldn’t be the cause of each other’s pain.

      It is a battle. This love thing is a battle. But we lose some to gain some. And we learn at every turn.

      Thank you for your kind words. ♡♡

      Like

      1. I know the feeling….

        But pain – seen from another perspective- is good. Pain lets you know it was real, it meant a lot to you; you would never wonder if you were just faking it or trying to hold on to shadows. You can tell yourself it wasn’t meant to be- not because of what you did or didn’t do.

        Yes, I agree: love is a raging battle. Sometimes, it gets too hard, and unbearable. Never quit, and we get to experience the bliss of victory

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Let’s, Me.

    I think embracing life and love in particular with an open mind helps a lot. It may or may not be it. It may or may not be our forever. They may or may not be the one.
    But we’d try, we’d live, we’d learn and finally, hopefully, we’d get there, we’d meet them, the ones who’ll never leave and we’ll never leave.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will agree with you Mercy.

      Often, I seal my own fate even before Destiny gets a chance. I am learning to do better, and let life do its thing.

      Thank you my darling! ♡♡

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s