You kept me up all night with thoughts of you. So, I thought i’ll write you a love note, or a letter, or a confession, or an admission: I think ‘ve fallen hopelessly and hopefully in love with you, again.
It’s a little about the way you smile– fully, loudly, reassuringly; colouring my face with happiness and hope everyday. And a little about your eyes too– the frightful glow in them. The way they puncture my heart with purpose and light, and shades of feelings that words compete with. Even more, it’s your mind. Oh, how I love your mind. It is beautiful, and dark, and twisted, and bright. This minute, I think I can read you; the next, you stun me– take me by surprise, like now; and I feel like I don’t know you. Like I never knew you. And I don’t even ever want to. Because, this is how I love to love you. Mysteriously. Un-understandably.
“You are the she, to my nanigans.”
A tad more than that, is how I love you for being my friend. Friedrich Nietzsche says “love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes”, but you have never closed your eyes– not in slumber, or daydream, or fear, or acquiescence. You chide me, and love me. Scold me, and pull me close. You cry when I cry. And laugh when my excitement overflows. And on those days when melancholy enshrouds me and I just want to be alone, you don’t leave me; you lay there with me– un-silently, talking, whispering, re-living memories; and I want to hate you, but I can’t. So I talk, and whisper and re-live with you. And we laugh together, and cry together. That, that is why I love you. Together, is why I love you.
“You are you, and I am I; but when we become we, I am a better me.”
And when I fear, you fear with me. And when I break, you break with me. Some days, i’d wish you’d be more different– maybe a little more assertive, or a little more courageous; but I think it is this sameness that binds us. You inspire me to be better. To grow. But you don’t know, my friend, you are enough. You, being here with me, is enough; together is my strength. With you, old things become brand new; even same days, feel a little different. You are the reason for me, the flame that keeps me burning. And nothing else might ever do. Nothing, might ever do like you. You are crazy, and annoying, and childish, and impulsive and a dozen more impish words; and it’s a little bit of all of these things that make all of you you, that all of me has fallen hopelessly and hopefully in love with.
So, here’s what my heart kept me up to say to you: thank you, for being my soul mate, and best friend; my shadow, and backbone. For never leaving me alone. Here’s a moment to say thank you to me, for being my own love.
“Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to someone you love.”
Because in the end; in the end, we realise– we are our own soul mates, before becoming someone else’s. And on some days, therefore, we would need to take a moment to remind ourselves of this; because on other days– on other days, we might be too busy loving other people, waiting for them to love us back– that we’d forget that we are capable of loving us too.
You can find G on Instagram, @powerofspeech. That handle makes my day!
© The Short Black Girl, 2016.