How I loved you.

I start a fire in the hearth and seat by it, cradling myself; warming thoughts of you that are almost running cold in my mind. In my heart. But I loved you, didn’t I? The flames entwine deliciously before my eyes and I envy and hate them at the same time. That used to be our bodies in sync, it used to be our rhythm. Slow, sweet, gentle thrusts; silent moans that made the nights glow; hungry, tongue-ful mouthful confessions; olive eyes, scarlet lips… Now I tear my mind away from the memory of your face. It is too painful, it is too sad.

I had been there the other day, watching you tear apart at the seams while she (mum) laid in peaceful pain. I saw you, differently. Raw, broken, shattered, different. I was afraid I didn’t know you anymore. Those eyes were not the same that ogled my breasts at night. Those lips were not the same that knew my body by name… it was maddening thinking about you like that. So maybe you needed something but that something was not me. I felt too un-enough to contain your pain. What were the right words or right things to do? Touch you? Stroke you? My head said “just be there”, but how? Every step I tried taking towards you took me farther away. I broke. I cried. I prayed. For you, for me, for us. You didn’t hear me, but I did. I wanted to be there; to be the heroine, the one that catches the grenade or throws herself in front of a train for you. But I didn’t know how.

So in your eyes, I ran away. And even now, I carry the guilt from the thoughts of me I mirror in your mind. I blooming ran away! Some say I never loved you. Some say I am selfish. Some think me evil and cast aspersions on me in their dark righteous minds. But the flames pressing together in luscious mirth, remind me of how I loved you; un-knowingly, intimately, invisibly. And that’s that.

**

Β© The Short Black Girl, 2016.

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11 thoughts on “How I loved you.

  1. Well said, like the one who receives the hurt a loved one serves. He couldn’t help it. We all deal with grieve differently. My parents once took the brunt. I was hurting the people I love because I couldn’t help it.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This pain…that hides in history. This feeling that today says once was the fire that raged yesterday. You capture it. No one might ever know but…well, I guess those who had it always will keep a bit of it somewhere.
    πŸ™‚

    Nice one…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love these lines “this feeling that today says once was the fire that raged yesterday”…

      Yes Su’, if it was, it was. And that’s that.

      Thank you very much. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The truth is, I didn’t care enough. I didn’t love her enough. Remember how we love best those who stay(end). No excuses.

    Lovely piece. Very touching.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow! This is a poetic piece of prose andΒ I absolutely love how you made use of the imagery that’s ‘Fire’! It brings to mind a few lines reeled out by the rocking band..’One Republic’, in their song entitled..’Too Late To ‘Pologize’; that goes a lil something like this…’I loved you with a fire red, now its turning blue…’! πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜„

    ‘We’re not the same persons this year as last, nor are those we love. It’s a happy chance if we changing; continue to love a changed person’, surmises W. Somerset Maugham.

    Oft times, we go through stuff and veer off of the deep end to notice anything as we pretty much get so wrapped up in ourselves, that we’re blind to the hurt we’re ‘unconsciously’ causing ’em who we love! In our bid to go it alone, we literally succeed in pushing our loved ones far away; especially when we find its almost impossible to pull ourselves back out of that dark, sad place we’ve been plunged into! Some folks are lucky to come back and get past their grief; while for some others, not so much! And for the ones feeling less loved and ‘ostracized’; it becomes a waiting game of sorts and a time to take a drastic and decisive action…Fish, or cut bait; if this trend goes on for much too long! Life’s simply too short to be sitting around miserable- Rihanna! 😁

    This one’s for the Narrator….’You DID love him, you did! And for as many as say you didn’t….too bad! Plus, in the words of Scott Stratten I say; ‘Do. Not. Try. To. Win. Over. The . Haters, you’re NOT the ‘Jacka$$ Whisperer’! πŸ˜ˆπŸ˜†πŸ˜‚

    There are writers and there are writers, but what sets you apart…a cut above the rest; is how easily you infuse feelings into your art ME and sooo eloquently too! You put the ‘r’ in ‘Writer’! 😁 Don’t you ever stop as ‘Awesomeness’ just assumed a new name…ME TSBG!πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This was one heartfelt piece for me too ma’am, writing it. Because ‘ve been both at the giving and receiving end of this sort of thing. It is one mighty dark place to be in. And sad as it is, it’s easy to lose oneself in grief. Very easy. It takes a conscious and selfless mind to look outwards and allow the compassion of those we love seep in on us.

      Thank you so much for reading this one, and gracing my page with your sagely comment, yet again. I always always look forward to reading from you, because you bring in a whole new shade of understanding and insight into everything I write.

      We appreciate you ma’am. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

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