Raven desires.

It was a quiet afternoon. Cynthia, Linda, Major, and Eedris had gone out; leaving myself and Ana in the flat. They had gone to see The Big Short at the Cinemas. It was supposed to be a flat day-out but I opted to stay home and Ana followed suit. I had wished to be alone with my thoughts, brooding, thinking, or doing whatever with it– just alone, not talking or worse still, listening but Ana’s presence foiled the plans.

“You know I talked to Richie yesterday.” she began, without need or preamble.

Of course I knew. When did she not talk to Richie? Her almost-happened-and-unsingle-boyfriend “Hmmm mmm?”

“We talked for like 30minutes. He said he missed me.”

“Awwn. I see you guys are on great terms. That’s good news.” I feigned genuineness for a second and returned to the e-novel I was trying to read on my tablet, hoping she’d take a cue and shut up or walk away or something close. She did keep mute, for a second or so…

“But, I think he didn’t mean it. I think he was just saying it to make me happy.”

I sighed, and put the tablet aside; knowing the next second, she’d be wrapped in a ball, spraying tears all over like 100 dollar bills. I was right.

“See Ana…” I was beside her now, and proceeded to start my usual speech again. “… I understand that you love Richard, and you guys had something great going once; but he’s seeing someone else now and —“

“—you need to leave him alone.” she completed my words. I kept mum. “It’s easy. It’s easy for you to say Nkem. Have you ever found yourself in this sort of situation, loving something so much you’d rather have a part of it than nothing at all?”

She had no idea. I had stood up to march back to my seat, when she tugged at my arm and pulled me into a hug. “I love him Nkem. I fucking love him.”

“Okay, that’s it! Go take a shower and get dressed. We are going out.”

“To where?” she managed.

“Ana, I’ll give you 15 minutes max, or else I will go out and leave you alone in the house.” I knew how much she dreaded being alone, so I didn’t need a prophet to tell me that was all the motivation she would be needing, to not question me any further.

We were at Ozone in thirty minutes. I wasn’t particularly in the mood to watch a movie; in fact, I wasn’t in the mood to do anything. I just wanted Ana out of my hair. I had my own troubles, and worries– a love life to muse or rant about too. Seemingly, half the problem with half the world is the presence of love or the stark dearth of it. Mine seemed a little of both. I let Ana pick a movie of her choice, because that was the only way to have her seat in silence and beg no disturbance or trifling interruption not even from nature’s call. Once we had settled in comfortable seats, chosen by Ana too, I escaped into my world– and finally, I had a chance to think.

About Last Night.

Eedris and I are very good friends. He had once dated my elder sister, a final year medical student at the same school, but they never worked out. She was a good girl, he was the thin line between right and left- simple. I, on the other hand, had been attracted to him since our first meeting. There were so many things to love, but his air of mystery was most compelling. He was well put together, different, diverse, challenging– like a to-do list. One I knew I had no business doing. I had written about him in my bedtime diaries, masturbated with his face in my head, and done a dozen more despicable things after which I asked God to forgive me. In fairness to me, I never made my intentions known–

“There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ”Β – Edgar Allan Poe

In fact, I had made no contacts with him since he part ways with my sister; but early September saw us getting allocated to the same flat, and re-igniting our friendship. And soon, the days saw us shuffling to and from school together- as friends, then very good friends. Movies, music, football, occasional clubbing– and then, close friends. My feelings remained same as before, if anything, they intensified; and he soon seemed most fond of me. But we had boundaries, unspoken yet clearly defined boundaries, which we both respected enough to not breach– until last night.

“Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or a silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not?” -Edgar Allan Poe

He had returned from the club, and sneaked up behind me in the kitchen where I was having a late snack of Pringles and Yoghurt in my spaghetti top, bum short and woolen socks dancing to Adekunle’s Pick-up playing from my headphones. It was his distracting Tom Ford cologne that had me turning to find him watching me keenly from the door post. I shuddered. I had never seen that look in his eyes before. But I recognised it– my instincts recognised it; it poked me in the loins. There was something raw about the way he looked, something urgent…

“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there; wondering, fearing, doubting” -Edgar Allan Poe

“Eedris?” he had crossed over to me then, in the beat of a second and pushed me into the pantry with a fervent feverish kiss. I didn’t fight him. I couldn’t. I wanted it, him– the smell, the need, the hunger, the thirst. I had dreamed of it my whole life. My fingers dug soft scars into his skull, my heart beat grew in leaps and bounds. I tried for words, like stop, or do not, but only sounds gave. Delicious, embarrassing sounds muttered between mouthfuls and tongue-fuls; a disservice to my dignity and morality. Soon he broke off and spaced for air– a beat, a second, a minute– and we just stood there, pacing our heartbeats; unable to speak, because words were hardly enough. Then he left.

The movie had finished, on a seemingly happy note too– because Ana would not stop grinning from ear to ear. Plus she had made a new friend of her seat partner- quite a fine gentleman, if I may- and they had exchanged contact details to my delight. I was instantly glad I suggested the outing. We returned home shortly before 7pm, and after “thank you’s” and “take cares”, I returned to the ambience of my room. I was quite hungry but memories of the previous night would not let me revisit the kitchen. I was confused, hungry, and yearning for him. What if he hadn’t meant it? What if it had just been the alcohol? What if he didn’t drink? Or maybe it was just a much-too-friendly kiss? I marched out of my room and bounded off to his to seek answers, before I had a chance to change my mind. I had only knocked once when he answered the door; and before I could form a question, he had dragged me in with a familiar kind of urgency. He had not been drinking that night, I promise. And again, I had had no desire or will to protest. He undressed me slowly, touching and feeling as he went at it. Questions plagued his eyes, the kind that unsettled my mind, but no words were said for none were needed. That night, theΒ answers we sought lay in the bare of our skin. Same as many other nights, and many many more after that…

“Sometimes i’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.” -Edgar Allan Poe

**

Β© The Short Black Girl, 2016.

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22 thoughts on “Raven desires.

    1. Madam Zika!!! (where are my emojis when I need them?!) Hahah. You just sent me a-bursting in glee with this sweet and encouraging comment of yours. Thank you mami. Me sef when I grow up eh, I want to have the kind of lofty aura you exude– in words, style, and art…

      Thank you so much. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I know right. You either stay away from it altogether, or go all the way. Hardly any in-betweens when it comes to these things… and haha, at the lack of any morals to start with. Oh well, in matters of the heart, there’s only right and left– no wrongs. πŸ˜€

      About that… some things just sound better when unsaid altogether. πŸ˜‰

      Thanks for reading and dropping a thought Bass!

      Like

  1. Sandwiching Edgar Allan Poe between the heavy literary loaves makes this one of the best snacks from your blogging pantry EVER! TASTY!!

    This really shows off your literary culinary skills like no other I have read and if you continue like this, few a word chef will ever be able to match you in this business…..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol! Dr Swag, making hearts since years a-go!

      Thank you… thank you my good doctor. I had been reading a couple articles and stumbled upon this Good sire too many times a few. He was indeed one of the best of the lot.

      Now that you’ve mentioned, I shall strive ever better to continuously win fine hearts and encouraging comments as this. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Sister! 😞Have you not heard it said that one’s sister’s ex is totally off limits???? 😟Like you do NOT get to like, love or even LOOK πŸ‘€at him; talk less of desiring him???😯😠 That’s breaking and violating the ‘sisterhood code’ gurl! πŸ˜©πŸ˜‚

    Plus, you didn’t think to stop at just having designs on him and making a play for his heart; but you did as a matter of fact get together with him; crossing the line, time after time after time; again and yet again by ‘really’?! πŸ™ŠπŸ™‰ Oh Wow! πŸ˜ˆπŸ˜†

    Whatever will ‘sister dearest’ do when she does happen and get wind of this tryst? 😦 Things are bound to get really weird and awkward! And gawd help Cynthia if her sister’s in the ranks of those folks who’d say to one……’If I can’t have him, none else would’ or worse…’I plain don’t want him but none else is permitted or allowed to take even the slightest interest in him either, especially my sister’! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    Wow! This is really crazy and while I totally get that our deepest desires require the most divine of discretions; am still just trying to figure out what Eedris and Cynthia are about! What are they exactly? Lovers? ‘Playmates’? Friends perhaps…..with benefits???

    I feel like Cynthia may really be into him and may wanna move beyond this primal and physical relationship they both share, am somewhat not getting that same vibe with Eedris though! I mean, lets face it….who gets with two sisters and claims to love ’em if it aint that he’s sowing his wild oats and updating his list of conquests??? But then again, what’s that one word that describes your crush, crushing back on you with much the same intensity as you??? Imagination!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    I just hope Cynthia hasn’t set herself up for a major heartbreak down the line! In the words of Dalai Lama, he says to remember that not getting what we want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck! And I say that oft times, that one person we want the most, is the very one we’re best without!

    Moreover, this deafening silence between ’em partners; coupled with the last quote by Poe may be largely due to these lines surmised by Blair Waldorf that ‘Feelings never do make sense, they get you all confused then they drive you around for hours before they drop you right back where you started’! Pretty scary stuff! *tsking πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†

    I find this a most lurid and a totally fantastical tale of raging passions and desires! And those quotes….they put this particular piece on a pedestal…. in a class of its own! Welldone ME, you absolutely pushed the envelope on this one to heights unimaginable! I laud your efforts… you more than brought this! πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hmmm… what shall I say but “Love Stinks”! It’s funny how we do the most unimaginable things in the name of Love. Who’s to blame? The heart? The bearer of the heart? The tingling skin with its beguiling sensations? Or the provoker of such sensations? It’s crazy, just plain crazy… and truly, “feelings never truly make sense”, more– just as you’ve rightly said– the one person we want the most might well be the one we’re best without.

      *sigh! Life, love and their inexorable interwovenness.

      Thanks Mami! ❀

      Like

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